Artists and genres all mixed up.
But lately I have been gravitating towards whole albums again.
Tonight I decided to listen to Theatre is Evil by Amanda Palmer & The Grand Theft Orchestra.
I haven't listen to it all the way through in very long time. I usually can't because there are a few songs that really ruin me emotionally (Bed Song, Trout Heart Replica, etc).
Amanda has a really good knack for writing songs about things a lot of people, especially women, go through, that are so easy to find personal meaning in but also very original.
I experienced my early 20's with The Dresden Dolls as the dominant soundtrack of my life. Bad relationships, hookups, anxiety, self loathing.. it was all in there and more.
When Amanda did her solo album, Who Killed Amanda Palmer, I was actually reluctant to listen. I never thought anything could come close to the brilliance and relatability of their songs.
As luck would have it, right when I decided to give it a listen (via the collection of videos Amanda created for nearly all the songs on the albums on youtube), I got dumped by the man I thought was the one. I got deeply invested in the songs on WKAP after that. They are some of my favorite songs ever.
You would think I would have learned my lesson, but I went through the same reluctance when Amanda formed her new band, The Grand Theft Orchestra. I wasn't desperately awaiting its release. Neil Gaiman posted the entire album streaming on his Tumblr blog and I decided to give it a listen.
At first, I didn't feel much. I recall vaguely blogging about it as I did so. I had already recognized the connection between my emotional states of mind and my deep relationship to Amanda's songs. I was fully aware that my profound appreciation of them was probably due to the state of my emotions at the time I was exposed to them.
When first started listen to Theatre Is Evil, I thought about this and wondered if I would have to go through some awful emotional upheaval to be able to really appreciate these songs. I didn't want that to happen. I was reasonably happy at the time. I was happily married (to the above mentioned the one. He changed his mind after a few months and we've been together ever since), I was finally working full time again, we have some extra money every month, we lived some place we really liked.
It wasn't until I listened to Bed Song, in the dark, late at night, while my husband was sleeping, that I felt that familiar pang of familiarity and sorrow. It's pretty obvious that it isn't about her marriage. They seem to be very happy and in love, and Bed Song is definitely about a pair that have fallen out of love and hardly recognize each other despite the time spent sleeping side by side.
Slow tears turned into open, ugly sobbing. It's very sad all on it's own, the story is heartbreaking. But this line murdered me:
you said all the money in the world won't buy a bed so big and wide to guarantee that you won't accidental touch me in the night
I felt that. I knew that. It was shame and sadness and regret that filled my heart. I felt that my marriage was already walking down this path. We kiss each other good night and we roll off and sleep back to back. I feel like I hardly know him sometimes. I feel like we never talk.
It was only later how it struck me how Amanda's own personal growth as reflected in her song has given me the opportunity to reflect my own growth and life events within them.
Early twenties filled with self doubt and unfulfilling relationships, late 20's and beginning my 30's with something resembling adulthood. All the good and bad that comes with it.
Here are my favorite pictures from when I got to see Amanda Palmer & The Grand Theft Orchestra almost 2 years ago
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